Coaching the Critic

Last weekend I had a great catch-up with friends and reminisced about our different primary and high school experiences. It was just comparing how our various and unique experiences brought us to that very moment, especially those that shaped our perspective in life. For instance, while in primary I learned to swim, which opened doors for me to participate in most swimming competitions. The swimming tournaments were fun and even if you didn’t win, you were glad to have participated and met other students. When you get to high school, this is more competitive. You need to be good, you could say a star “fish”, to qualify to be part of the school swim team. I recall having to “interview” by trying to beat the fastest time in length across the pool with the style of my choice. No way I could have beaten a 9-second freestyle record – so that is where I hang my flippers, even before I started. I am sure if I returned the following term, I could have trained with the team, given the first term was when school games were held thus practice was intense. But I didn’t swim my way back, at least not swimming competitively. As a teen, this was already my way of disqualifying myself and saying I should try my luck elsewhere. That’s probably why I don’t bother to jump into something that I’m not sure I will win at. But hey, we are too adult and grown for this now, right? Nope.

Photo by Emily Rose on Pexels.com

Just like my teenage self, I find myself disqualifying myself even before I start a new venture. This could be for a job application, project, routine or even making new connections. You would think that by now I would have learned all the right mantras and whoosahs to keep myself level-headed and confident. I am sure I’m not alone in this. Life has us facing decisions with the power to change our lives and the course we take. More often or not, there are external factors that influence the decision. However, there are times when the factors are internal. There is a fight between your positive and negative self. A struggle between your inner protagonist and antagonist. A duel between your inner coach and critic. Two voices we hear give helpful advice and harmful opinions concurrently, leaving us in a dilemma. The loudest voice wins!

Coaches are great especially when you want to learn a skill. Like in my earlier example, you would struggle to learn how to swim without a good coach. The coach mentors, teaches, corrects, guides and encourages you. Your inner coach does the same, now internally. This is the core of who you are and what you can do. No one knows you better than you know yourself. And even when we doubt our abilities and know-how, the coach encourages us to try. What is the worst that could happen?

“It isn’t the mountains ahead to climb that wears you out; it’s the Pebble in your shoe.”

Muhammad Ali

On the other hand, we have the incessant voice criticising your every thought, habit and move. The inner critic makes us lose sight of who we are and coaxes us to take the ‘easier’, more comfortable, expected route. These shortcuts are not only to get something done faster but to confirm one’s inability to thrive; instead, it is more of survival mode. This is seen in the student who chooses to cheat in an exam not just to successfully pass the exam, but also from a point of inadequacy to make it on your own. The inner critic’s mission is to limit our potential, view ourselves in contrast to an ideal we never chose for ourselves, and make us strive to be someone we’re not. A cheater. Unqualified. Unloved. Underrated. Is it all worth it?

Finally, when you miss that bus on your commute to work or school, you can look at it on either side of the coin. The bus has left you and you should probably have gotten ready faster and managed your time better. Alternatively, you miss the bus but other buses will come and you were not hurt on the road. Did you miss an opportunity? There will be more opportunities. As a child, we tend to learn through taking risks like learning to walk, talk and new skills. They will do what they feel in the way they know how until they are shown the right way. Until that happens, they will redirect the critic and tug at anything they can. And when it doesn’t go well the first time, they can pick it back up and try again. As adults, this is a worthwhile lesson; to coach the critic in us.

Life’s Golden Circle

Nothing beats a child’s curiosity especially when he or she is trying to understand what adults do what they do. “Why do you have to go to work and not stay home and play with me?” It’s easy to brush this off and say that we need work to make money. Why? So that I can afford to buy things for you and me. Why? So that we do not lack and run out of things. Why? Life can be expensive when you are not prepared with money so it is good to have enough, if not more than enough. When you think you have answered all the questions and no more whines and whys, you hear, “Don’t worry. When I grow up, I will make that money so that you don’t have to work any more and can play some more.” Cute as this is, it is also a wake-up call- how much is enough to stop worrying about what we need once in a while to take in the fresh air and consider why we need it, if not to play more?

Imagine a company that just rambles about what they sell and how they make it, but never really explains why they exist. “Premium quality…made for you and your loved one… you will love it!” This is the kind of thing Simon Sinek, a business author, says most companies do wrong in his book, Start with Why. Sinek’s idea is simple: start with why. What’s the real reason a company exists? What bigger cause would it be fighting for? This “why” is the emotional core that gets people truly invested in a brand. After this, consider the approach towards that why; this is the “how”. And finally, the final output is the “what” which would be the product and services offered by a company. For your everyday employee, the “what” could be the take-home or pay from work. This 3-level analysis is known as the Golden Circle which Simon Sinek has delved deep into whether in talks or his book. On a more personal level, this got me thinking about my why, how and what – if at all they exist 🙂.

So why do I do what I do? The “why” in a company keeps the employees fired up and waking up every morning to work, navigating the traffic jams and crazy motorists at times. On top of this, it is bound to attract customers who believe in what you’re doing. For me, this is like a personal mission statement with some serious passion behind it. Not just passion but my purpose. Why do I write? To challenge my limits and creative boundaries learning from others. The more I read the more I can confidently write. To provoke, to learn, to teach and to pun. A friend of mine once told me to put down my thoughts on paper so that I never lose the train of thought. Hence the tagline for this blog Putting it down on paper… With a strong “why,” those bumps in the road become stepping stones, and you are less likely to forget or lose the drive you have on your projects, business or work. At times, we work so that we can fund or fuel our purpose so that we sustain our causes. Earning and making money is necessary for survival but is not our sole purpose on Earth. Good health and comfortable living is not a purpose on its own. My challenge to myself is this: my “why” should be enduring and in one way or another involve a sort of social impact for it to have a sense of purpose. What is “purpose” if not for the good of the people?

“Singleness of purpose is one of the chief essentials for success in life, no matter what may be one’s aim.”

John D. Rockefeller

How you go about this would be your approach. For a business or project, this involves having a framework that sets up the processes and basic foundation. The path towards making your enterprise stand out from the rest. It may be the customer service. It may be the communication. It may be the follow-up calls after service. All of these depend on the vision and mission of what you are working on. If I have a vision towards mental, physical and spiritual wellness then I check into what I have in place to help me. Is my diet in check? Am I working out? Do I guard my spiritual walk closely through attending church, prayer and fellowship? Am I setting aside time to read and watch content that enlightens, teaches and nourishes? Most organisations have a pretty good understanding of how they do what they do. It’s what distinguishes them from the crowd. So, even at a personal level, it is worth thinking about how you would like to do what you do — the how is often rooted in values.

Lastly, we have to consider the what. End of the day, the “what” is the product or service that a company wants to provide to the customer base. For a person, the “what” could be the job title or the role in the business. Although, this can be confused with your identity at times. Remember, how you were asked to describe yourself and said “I am an accountant”? Well, this is more of what you do, hopefully, based on a vision (why) and values (how) that help you navigate your professional space. In essence, your “what” would be the vehicle through which you express your “why” and “how”. For a singer, these are songs. For an artist, this is the art. For a doctor, this would be the consults and operations performed. We all have something to offer of which we just need to open our minds and hearts to them. But it all starts from the inside looking out.

On the Golden Circle, I can’t say that I am an expert or pro at it. I mean I still wake up every weekday to work to pay the bills and look for other ways to make more money (I probably should start charging a subscription fee for all these nuggets I share 😁). But the more I recall life’s experiences the more I relate different phases as leading to my why, how and what. They have gone through evolution, changes, deletion and pivots. Knowing your “why,” your true motivation, allows you to stay focused and resilient. After understanding your “why,” next up is identifying your “how”- your unique way you achieve results which will be the “what”.

Ultimately, the way I look at it, life is all about knowing why I do what I do rather than focusing on what I do. That said, what’s your “why”?

“It’s not enough to have lived. We should be determined to live for something.”

Winston S. Churchill

Good and Done!

Happy new month…and the year goes March-ing on! I have no idea where the year has gone because if you were to ask me, I would have said that we just said “Happy New Year” the other day. Here we are on the third month, the end of Q1 for some and a little closer to the Easter holidays for others. A welcome break or transition to the next period while asking obvious questions like; “So, what have I done so far this year?” Companies and entrepreneurs often do this when doing a stock take- just to ensure that the business is running as it should. Even at a personal level, I am sure that we ask ourselves this no matter how small or big our resolution may have been at the start of the year. Then again, this may not be for everyone as I know goals can be set yearly or a rolling one for different people. No matter the goal, we just have to track whether our resolve, discipline and routine are paying off.

One of the things that a business will often look at in terms of performance is how much money they are making and how much demand there is out there. This will often be in comparison with past performance as well as compared to the competitors. Even though I am not a company or own one, I find myself far too often falling into the pit of the latter; comparing myself with others on how I am doing and how I should be doing better. Despite knowing that experiences and situations are unique and cannot be the same, this is a trap many fall into. The result? Well, working to perfect my ways so that I’m not slacking and on track like so and so. After all, whatever I have planned has to work out at all costs!

The key to reaching your end goal is to take action, it’s as simple as that. Once you have started working on that business, going to the gym, applying for those jobs or building new friendships, you have made some headway. As we start, it’s easy to get caught up in the desire to achieve perfection, but perfection isn’t always necessary. Instead, focus on making progress and taking steps towards your aspirations. Remember that even small steps can lead to significant progress and that the journey of 1000 miles towards your goal can be just as important as the destination itself. At the start of the year, I determined to be consistent in blogging which has meant more reading is needed. On my third book for the year and hoping to keep the fire burning. Keep doing what you set out to do, taking action, course correcting and moving forward.

“Progress not perfection… you can’t be perfect everything… but you can gain progress on a daily basis.”

Court McGee

They say ‘Practice makes perfect’ but don’t let that desire for perfection hold you back. There are moments in life where putting in extra effort and striving for perfection may not always be necessary. Instead of focusing on producing exceptional work, it may be more worthwhile to prioritize completing the task at hand satisfactorily and allocate time to more critical matters. In such situations, recognize that time is a valuable resource that would be the key to the success of what you are working on. For example, I may want to hit a specific weight goal or personal running record like someone else but I just can’t seem to get there. Though in all my attempts, I am improving and doing better than before. Feeling that need to compete against another all the time to attain a perfect score may not be all that it’s wrapped up to be if at the stake of your health. When all is said and done, you give your best and complete it then on to the next challenge!

Fighting fear over embracing perfection is more of what we should do. I recall my primary school days not wanting to submit compositions to the teacher because I feared the marks I would get. You see I wasn’t too confident of my grasp of the language let alone creative writing, in English or Kiswahili for that matter. I guess at some point it dawned on me that I would never learn the subject well without allowing the teacher’s remarks (and red biro pen all over the foolscap) to correct me. If I held on for the right moment and time when I’d mastered every word, sentence and paragraph then I probably would never have learnt sooner than I did. Even now, with each piece that I write, I can’t attest to being the best wordsmith but a few ideas put together on paper allow me to create something worth the read every other week. I am sure that even the most successful people have aspects of their work that they wish they could do better. And that’s okay because no innovation or new idea will be discovered by accident but through a desire for growth and making progress with what you have. Fight the fear to act, embrace the ongoing process and keep pushing forward towards those goals.

If anything, March is going to see me trying to let go of the preconceived notions of how things should be done and when they should be done. For instance, something as simple as cleaning the house used to be such a drag and a huge chore. If you’re like me (but I trust you are hardworking and super clean) you could spend more time on that couch thinking about what you need to do rather than actually doing them because after all there’s always tomorrow, right? Who is going to make sure that the whole house is clean? In the end, I broke down the chores into smaller tasks to be done on different days or times that way I don’t have to handle one major chore at a go. This method may not be perfect, but it does get me off thinking about cleaning and actually doing it. This same mindset can be applied to any work or studying that you may be procrastinating. If you’ve been putting off that business proposal, application or essay, just start writing it, even if it’s disorganized or doesn’t make sense. Break it down into what is manageable and get on it. Everyone has to start somewhere. Remember, done is better than perfect and in the day we hope it will be good and done.

“The most valuable thing you can make is a mistake. You can’t learn anything from being perfect.”

Adam Osbourne

Keep Left Unless Overtaking!

Driving is a skill that some of us yearn to learn to hit those roads cruising. At the same time, it can be the survival of the fittest trying to nudge your way through traffic, avoid mishaps, look out for bikes and carts and avoid the glaring eyes of traffic police. Even when you are not in the wrong, you can’t help but check your seatbelt twice or confirm whether you made that car insurance payment in time. You will be driving on the highway or freeway but a car in front of you is going at half your initial speed. Or you are driving on the right lane, but see a bust fast approaching on the wrong side trying to overlap. Do you frustrate the driver from joining the lane to teach him a lesson or avoid confrontation and let him in? So many circumstances that can have you go car-azy! From road rage. Unruly drivers. Petty pedestrians. Prowling cops. Borehole-filled highways. What else drives you mad on the road?

Rules are meant to be broken…by a broken society prone to dysfunction and allergic to order. Yup. I said it. I recall having this conversation with a friend about how peaceful roads would be if everyone kept to their lanes. A simple rule like “keep left unless overtaking” might decrease the noise pollution by blaring horns of heavy-footed drivers or accidents caused by swerving vehicles. They usually say that the rules are not just for us but for those around us. For those on the same road. Thus the signs on the roads are not a suggestion. They’re not an idea, proposal or option. They are instructions for you and me to live and car-habit with each other on the road. And at the same time, we can learn a thing or two on that commute to where we are going.

“One’s destination is never a place, but rather a new way of seeing things.”

Henry Miller

Red. Amber. Green. The standard indicative lights at a junction or intersection alert us to stop, wait or move. Now, if you are like me, these can be very easy to assume especially when the road is clear. No cars to your right or left. Neither are there oncoming vehicles so why not just accelerate into the lane before your luck runs out or the traffic police catch you (whichever comes first)? It’s our innate desire at times to look out for just ourselves yet such situations have led to unfortunate accidents on the road. One minute you are in a rush the next you ram into another car. In life, we may want to be the first to get somewhere so we know we need to get there fast. Keeping in mind that you will eventually get there, it’s hard to just slow down, take a breather and wait for the lights to change. The red light looks like that warning or advice you receive from a peer or mentor. It could be in the form of a situation like a business that has been unsuccessful for a minute. Then what do you do? Wait. Hold on. Take your time on that lane and come up with another workaround. When the light turns green, you will know. You will meet the least resistance, receive positive feedback from the “officers on duty” and maybe go for a while before a stop.

Caution: rough road ahead. New roads are the best to ride on. Organized movement. Clear markings. And as mentioned, working lights. But with time we get some potholes, loose chips on the road, vandalism of road infrastructure and random animals crossing the road (oh and pedestrians! Though humans are part of the animal kingdom🙂). New careers, projects, prospects and even relationships are the best to cruise on. But that doesn’t mean they will not be prone to society’s influence as the road with the natural elements. How best do you prepare for this? Are your tyres fit, brakes tight, lights clear and the car generally roadworthy? For all this to happen, you probably need to regularly have the vehicle checked by a professional. Mechanic or car doctor; whichever title they may have, it would be good to do this regularly. It’s worth the investment for something you use almost daily. Coach, teacher or peer- whoever these would be in your line of business, it’s always good to keep up to date with the latest skills and what you need to improve on. If I am an events coordinator or business administrator, perhaps catching up on recent documents on best practices and tools could make my work easier. Plus there are so many things you can learn from experts online, if not in person, from social media and generally the internet when we are not just doom-scrolling and sharing memes and reels (guilty as charged…😅). After all, it’s worth the investment for a skill you use almost daily.

Keep left unless overtaking. This reminds us that we are not on these roads alone. We have to be aware that other road users may want to get somewhere very fast or are in no hurry at all. So it’s up to me to know when to be on the slower lane or the fast lane. With a disclaimer that when all heading in the same direction, we will eventually get there. Once we realize these two things then I guess some sense of peace comes in. The focus is more on why you want to and how to get to the final destination and less on when. Having a community around you gives comfort that you are not headed there alone. In contrast, going down a dark and poorly lit road in the middle of the night can be scary. And we are bound to look for alternative routes that make us feel secure. Knowing that the place you are headed is not a moving target, maybe keeping left and taking your time is not a bad idea. Whether a journey towards success, fitness goals, working relationships or budding businesses- keep left, take time and overtake when you are ready. Who knows, there could be a U-turn up ahead and you were in a rush for nothing.

Finally, on this road of life, you may not be where you want to be but you have come this far down the road. The best you can do is to keep your eyes on the road, mind your fellow people around you and look out for the road signs. That said, let me make a stop here and wait for the next random thing to write about next week😉. Drive safely!

“You step into the Road, and if you don’t keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to.”

J.R.R. Tolkien

The Last Move

I learnt how to play chess while in university by chance and maybe being at the right place. I say that because my roommate was a whiz at the game and I suppose he needed a fresh opponent to defeat. Most of the time he beat contenders who would camp in the rooms some evenings or weekends for a match while yours truly would be watching the latest movies or TV series on my laptop. I learnt the game which also forced me to unlearn the rules and perspective I had from checkers or draughts. Unlike checkers, the moves were not just back and forth, diagonally. Some pieces moved a step forward, others moved in an L-shape while still others could move anywhere they could. There was the Castle which was also called the Rook. There was the Queen who protected the King (fairy tales have taught us different clearly). But once I got the hang of it, I would jump at the chance of playing against someone else. In my naive quest to win win win and several checkmates later, I realised that no matter how you start the game, the final moves matter the most.

“You may learn much more from a game you lose than from a game you win. You will have to lose hundreds of games before becoming a good player.”

Jose Raul Capablanca

Embarking on a new year is a chance to set new goals and chase our dreams. Often, we may get carried away with the excitement and think that we can accomplish everything in a short period. However, it’s essential to remember that every journey starts with the first step. So, instead of overwhelming ourselves with too many resolutions, let’s take it one step at a time and enjoy the process. As Beth Harmon asked in the TV series, The Queen’s Gambit, “If you become a world champion at 16, what will you do with the rest of your life?” Reminds me to take the time to make the right moves and savour every moment of my journey ahead. With determination, perseverance and the right chess-like moves, I know I can achieve those goals and make this year extraordinary.

As you set the chess board and plan your moves, know that your subconscious mind is always at work, constantly pursuing your strategies, wins and dreams. Simply setting goals for yourself and creating a vision board or even merely writing them down so that you don’t forget helps you tap into that inner drive to achieve success. Commitment is all it takes. Instead of procrastinating, approach each move with a sense of urgency yet take time to savour the milestones along the way. Once you get used to doing something over and over again, you become a pro at it. In chess, one becomes so acquainted with the chess board that instead of having to pick the piece and constantly hover over the rest, you can call out your piece to move to position say “C5” and watch your opponent cringe a bit. If I have to read up on something or practice repeatedly just to get it right, I am more than ready to do so- as long as I have several turns left, there is nothing to stop me.

While playing, you also have to see 3-5 moves ahead – not just your own but also your opponents. Just because you practice and know the game doesn’t mean that you won’t make mistakes. You’re highly encouraged to make mistakes so that you know what makes people most likely fall for a trap. Chances are when you take your time to do something, you’ll make far fewer mistakes than if you rushed through the whole thing. Slowing down allows you more time to absorb information and process ideas and concepts. Perhaps why there is usually a tense silence in between turns towards the end of a chess game. I can’t say that I am perfect at this but with just a month down so far into the year, I guess I still have time to pause and understand what’s presented in front of me at every corner.

Photo by Claire Thibault on Pexels.com

Chess teaches us the importance of strategy and the pursuit of our ultimate goal. Every move we make is a step closer to victory, and we learn to let go of habits that don’t serve us. Through the game, we develop the tenacity and patience needed to overcome challenges and obstacles in our lives. By setting clear goals and laying out a plan of action, we can achieve the success we desire. Let’s remember to keep our eyes on the prize and never give up, for with determination and perseverance, we can achieve checkmate in everything we do.

PS: I just may get back into playing after a long hiatus off the chess board. Who knows what other tips and tricks I will pick up 🙂

“Life is like a chess game. If you play the right move, at the right time you’ll win the game.”

Sruti